Quentin Whistleton-Thynne's Social Audit
This Sceptered Isle
It is my considered opinion that this country has gone to the dogs.
Society should be run along strict disciplinarian lines where a rigid social structure is enforced.
When the mem sahb and I visit our local for a swift g and t, we have to put up with the most appalling people. There are working class types everywhere jabbering on about the most inconsequential drivel imaginable.
There was a time when these peasant types contained themselves to working men's clubs and and wittered on about darts, roll your own fags, and football. Now they infestate decent watering holes along with their bloody families quite spoiling the pleasure of their social superiors.
Fortunately there is the golf club where no one under a £100,000 tax bracket is allowed in. There we speak of polo, the finest cigars and the sport of kings. But there again you see we are all extremely wealthy and understand things your oik couldn't begin to countenance.
Take politics for example. What does a working class type know about power. Beyond obeying their betters it's a completely foreign concept to them. They should realise they exist to give the likes of me position. We are trained from the earliest age to command the rough of this world and to constantly keep them from enlightenment lest they get ideas above their station.
I have 28 servants at Thynne Towers and none are allowed eye contact with the mem sahb or myself. Any attempt to raise an intellectual question is swiftly stamped upon. They are there to serve not question.
Mind you a couple of the maids come in handy for a spot of jig a jig when the mem's away but they are never to approach me unless spoken to first. I've sacked more skivies for telling me they were pregnant than I care to remember. In my opinion sex is far too good a thing for the rabble of this world unless it's to please their masters.
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Society
Now look here! It's come to my attention that this country has gawn to the dogs.
Just look at the so called politicos who are supposed to run this land. We have a jumped up Jock PM who couldn't run a war if his Jacobs were at stake, a leader of HM Opposition who's a Romanian Taff out of the sons of Zion ( I will admit he's trying hard to be English though ) and another son of the tartan with an Irish name who's only claim to fame is drinkin' and smokin'.
Not one of them has ever fired a shot for his country - or should that be countries - and they have the temerity to tell me how I should live my life.
The whole bally lot of them ought to be taken outside and given a thorough going over with barbed wire and salt. But enough of my hobbies. Now where was I. Oh yes. Society. There is no such thing as society. There is only the likes of me; wealthy, arrogant and beyond the law, and there's the scum of the earth who subsist to make my life easier. I was only saying to my chamber pot cleaner t'other day "You were born to slop out my dear and you know it."
Do you know she had the nerve to ask me for a seventeen hour day so she could have thirty minutes to learn to read. Bloody scandalous!
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How Christmas should be celebrated.
Now look here! I think it's just about time that Christmas was treated with greater respect and celebrated with good old fashioned traditional values.
I often yearn for the days when the Mem Sahb and I would sit devouring vast quantities of port and corn fed Norfolk blacks whilst watching the orphan children looking for coal in the snow. Those were the days.
The skivvies would be up at 3.00 am on Christmas day preparing a feast for their betters. The local beggars would be rounded up, forced to drink a gallon of the cheapest gut rot cider and given a one minute start to try and get out of the grounds before the pack was set on them; the front gate was one mile away. God how we laughed.
In the evening when all the ladies had retired we gang of rams went to the local poor house to have our pick of the work house women. What they wouldn't do for a farthing is nobodies business.
Of course when we got them pregnant they were shipped off to the colonies on a trumped up charge of public indecency. Disgraceful immoral behaviour should never be tolerated by Gentlemen and ladies of quality.
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Class
Now let's be quite clear about this. If you have not had a public school education, got into Cambridge because of daddy's money and never done a stroke of work in your life, then you are an Oik and know it.
It is only five percent of the British population that are worth bothering about. Damn it all! The thought of exchanging words with plebeian types let alone breath the same air as them makes me reach for my Purdey.
This country was developed for the few to enjoy and the many to toil. It was ever thus and I for one intend to keep it that way. If you agree with me and have at least one hundred mill in the bank why not join the QWT Party. It's dedicated to inequality, snobbery and injustice for the less than staggeringly wealthy.
Toodle Pip
Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005