Press Releases
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Latest news - 01/04/05
Police have appealed for witnesses tonight after a drunken brawl broke out at a revival meeting that was designed to rekindle the spirit of 1904.
Three hundred committed revivalists arrived at the Park and Dare Theatre, Treorchy in the expectation of being lifted to a new spiritual high.
Unfortunately the bottled water supplied to keep the faithful's voices at peak performance for singing and praising purposes was found to contain vodka of about 60% by vol. Spirits of this strength would seriously test hardened drinkers of the calibre of Errol Flynn or Richard Burton. But when let loose on a congregation of tea-totalers the effect was electric.
Fights broke out over the exact wording of the hymn 'Cwm Rhondda' when some of the brethren from The Cynon Valley started to remember the enmity they felt for rugby teams such as Treherbert and Ferndale in the days before their conversion to gentler pastimes.
Mr Gareth Llewellyn of Aberdare started shouting that the hymn was originally called 'Cwm Cynon' until some thief from the Rhondda pinched it.
When told to quieten down by the relatively sober, he took it as a personal challenge and charged into a group of choristers from Tonypandy like a man possessed.
This was the catalyst. Mayhem ensued.
In the following twenty minutes, seventy-four men and twelve women had been rendered unconscious, and there were walking wounded by the score.
The level and number of injuries were only limited because Mr David Morgan, a local hardman, happened to be passing the Park and Dare when he became aware of an altercation in the foyer of the theatre.
He said "It was appalling. A group of little old ladies were beating the hell out of a man who wouldn't have looked out of place in the marines".
" I phoned the police but they threatened to arrest me for wasting their time".
"When they did finally turn up they were winkling people out from under seats and off light fittings".
The Reverend Daniel Dirge who was to be the font of inspiration for the revival that fateful night commented that "the spirit was supposed to be upon them not in them"
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News source: Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005
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WATER
COMES TO WALES back to top of
page
Due to the increasing levels of global warming, scientists predict that rainfall levels will decrease by 40% over the next three decades.
To ensure that there is no unnecessary wastage of fresh water, EU regulation 2748734 / 0986432 will come into effect. This allows for the damming of all European river valleys where the population of individual villages are under 5000 in number.
The feasibility of such plans are to be tested in the upper Rhondda Fawr, where the populations of Cwmparc, Treorchy, Ynyswen, Penyrenglyn, Treherbert, Tynewydd, Blaencwm and Blaenrhondda will be re located to the Outer Hebrides.
A damn will then be constructed across the valley - roughly in line with the Red Cow Public House in Treorchy, and the George Thomas Hospital in Cwmparc.
Due to the seriousness of the expected drought there will be no recourse to appeal the compulsory purchase of the land at the above locations.
Each family will be given a cow, a bull and some pigs, however, with which it is hoped they will start a new life.
When pressed on the subject local Councillor Ieuan Wyn Lottery said " Well I'll be damned."
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News source: Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005
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Rhondda Cannon Tuft County Borough Council have issued a strongly worded denial - within the last half hour - that 400,000 tons of fertilizer was NOT about to be shipped onto the former Nannywythgon Tip Site in order to help restore the area to its former beauty.
Rumours that the franchise had been awarded exclusively to the Treorchy.net management committee, as the largest purveyors of bovine manure in the area, have been strenuously denied.
Mr Neil Dinnapuddle, spokesperson for the council's Environmental Rehabilitation Department commented:
"There's something about all this that just doesn't smell right to me. While it is undoubtedly true that the wholesale supply of bovine manure has been available in abundance lately, and today in particular . There is nothing to suggest that the contract for this material may have been awarded exclusively. Or indeed, that any orders for this kind of worthy material have been requested."
Unfortunately no one at Treorchy.net was available for further comment at the time of this press statement, leaving rather hurriedly and saying they were expecting a rather large consignment, around the back, which could arrive at any time over the weekend.
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News source: Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005
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Search
begins for mastermind's headquarter hideaway...
In an impressive bid to win back control of this community website, Treorchy.net's original management team today began a trawl through their photograph archive - in search of clues towards the mastermind behind the shocking board-room coup which occurred just after midnight last night.
Unearthed just moments ago is this photo on the left - taken in Treorchy library in 2002 - which may hold vital clues about the origins of the hostile take-over bid for our community website.
We believe the man, pictured on the right, may possibly be none other than the reprehensible Quentin (minor) Ostrogoth Whistleton-Thynne, whose contemptible comments are currently on display within our Kids Corner section since the partial takeover of this website (by his father, Quentin Whistleton-Thynne Col. rtd.) in the early hours of 1st April 2005.
Treorchy.net's original management team will be attempting to continue to unearth more clues to the motives behind this dreadful coup and will be bringing you as much information as we dare while the Colonel's back is turned....
If you have any information about QW-T and his base of operations - please get in touch with us at news@treorchy.net immediately.....
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In a shock move today Rhondda Crayon Tough County Borough Council announced plans to introduce giant Tonka toys to all its public parks.
Mr Bill Builder - Leisure and Tourism said:
"It's about time toddlers learned the value of work.
We intend encouraging children as young as five to seriously consider a career in the construction industry. "
After being escorted away by the police and psychiatric nurses, Mr Builder vowed to replace all bowling greens with giant Monopoly boards.
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News source: Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005
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Photo: Treorchy Playground - April 1st 2005
Treorchy to be twinned with Braemar... back to top of page
Photo
(Left) : Treorchy River - April 1st 2005
More calls supporting the inevitable town-twinning of Treorchy with Braemar in Scotland grew last night to fever pitch, following the discovery of a child's bicycle lying abandoned in the local river at the side of a substantial telegraph pole.
To the casual eye this would seem like just another case of illegal dumping.
However, the newly formed TWITS group (Treorchy Wanting Immediate Twinning Status) were quick to point out that this photograph clearly depicts unquestionable evidence regarding the strength of our local youngsters and the suitability of an immediate Scottish-Welsh town link.
"This youth has obviously ridden down into the river to collect his caber after a successful practise toss has overshot the mark at nearby Cae Mawr fields.
"Panicked by the arrival of the Treorchy.net photographer, the shy youngster has quickly abandoned his particular mode of transport in a hurry, in an effort to conceal his identity.
"This is a typical indication of the strength and talent of young men in our area."
When our reporter pointed out that the bicycle was painted pink and the frame style clearly indicated the owner was more than likely to be a little girl, and possibly only aged between 5 and 7 years, the TWITS group chairman responded angrily:
"Treorchy deserves to be twinned, and twinned now without delay. We have already booked three single rooms in Braemar for the end of the month to put our case to the local council and will be including this photograph as clear indication of the local talent and support for our proposals in this area. "
He then asked our photographer for a copy of the photo and help towards the bus fare and accommodation in Scotland, as TWITS apparently receive no funding from our local authority. Shame really.
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News source: Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005