Quentin Whistle-Thynne's News Archive
What is this blasted government playing at?
There I was all prepared to break a life time of tradition and vote New Labour because Blair took us to war. But now the blighter has decided to reduce the number of regiments in the British army.
Not only will this mean a curtailing of officer privilege but a reduction in the number of dashed rankers who are undoubtedly the finest canon fodder in all Christendom.
I personally commanded 1200 men during the Somme and am proud to say 1100 died for the glory of the regiment.
I remember getting the news when dining in Paris with Brigadier General Sir Tufton De La Billionaire. It was one of the finest feathers in my cap and set me on a career that was unparalleled in the number of men, in my command, who died in action.
I don't often crow at my own success but I can safely say that if it weren't for me there would be at least 23,000 men alive today.
Now! What's all this bally nonsense about removing the captain of HMS Somerset simply because some jolly Jack Tars were upset by his bullying. It should be a privilege to be on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse from one's superiors. If a few ratings have to be dishonourably discharged to save the career of an officer then so be it.
In my day they would have been given a crust of bread and a bottle of beer and bow spitted until we reached the next port. And I would have set a course for a thousand mile out of my way port I can tell you.
What a fine fellow that Otis Ferry is. Watched him last night threatening to defy the Rule of Law in order to chase a Basil across a field. It's more like him we need in order to reintroduce a rigid class system in this country where those at the bottom of the heap know their place and are given no chance to get out of there.
My batman, Tommy Trudge, was such a lowlife. Served me as man and boy for forty years until he caught me seducing his wife. I had no choice but to post him absent without leave and shot him the following week. It was covered up of course. My explanation that I didn't recognize him and thought him a burgler was accepted without a second thought.
The presiding chairman of the court martial hearing, Major Cecil Whistleton-Thynne stated that if a man failed to announce himself in broad daylight with the express purpose of picking up his things then it was no wonder such an accident happened.
The colonel, he said, was obviously startled and quite justified in emptying his revolver into the said burgler as he had been warned 32 years ago not to open any door without first knocking. Case dismissed. Well I must be orf now. Tiffin awaits don'tju know
Toodle Pip
Quentin Whistleton-Thynne (Col. rtd)
April 1st 2005